At the last weekend I found that suddenly the numbers of visitors of my
website increased extremely. The numbers of visitors increased ten times
more than usual. I wondered what happened? I searched where they
come from by the Google analytics. Google said they were from Spain. Then
I could guess that something happened in Spain.
Today I received a mail form Sara as the following. Then I got it.
Hello
dear Lee!!!
2 months before I came to Spain, the changes
continue happening every day!!!
I felt the life different... I taste the life of
live, but the fire is coming some times... ego come to distrust in the self...
and some time ego said me “Sara you don’t attend for dance...I listened for
what tell me this, and the next hours I don’t stop to dance...and dance tell me
“Sara not stop, for this never stop and continue training every day.
Lee, the last weekend I was doing
workshop of butoh , in Granada. It was a big experience for me, see what is the
necessity of the bodies, what happen in the space, what I do for calm down the
ego; Lee arrive there white a lot of ideas, but my body start to tell me a
lot of things and listening my body, and the other 5 bodies.
The workshop to be born alone very good
experience...everybody to end happy!! And the school of dance "La
Bombonera" tell me the possibility of do another workshop in spring season.
mmmmmmm I'm wish come soon another time
to subbody school...for listening the life.
Biggggg Hugggg, Sara.
I replyed for Sara.
Dear Sara
Thank you
for mail.
Congratulation!
For success of workshop!
Now, I understand the reason of so many visitors from Spain, They were participants of Sara’s workshop in Granada.
The big response of participants was the very proof of the success of workshop.
They must be received deep impresson from your workshop.Congratulation!
Sara!
I wanted to join in your workshop, too! Even if I have to eat soil!
Sara, continue it. Every experience becomes your food for your growth.
Hope to see you again!
Lee
Also I ask to the other students, please inform me when you will have or had a workshop or performance.
The life resonance is spreading to the all over the world slowly, slowly.
It is the biggest plesure to hear the sounds of the ripples.
some weeks past already after the last school day...after 8 month butoh
school...after 8 month facing myselfe...and the world.
lee told us, we should write something about the time here...some experience
we made...something we would like to say...what happend..short, to give
some expression on paper..some reflexion about the time!
i tryed many times to say something...but nothing came out....i could not. there was nothing to say - no need to tell something...i could not reflect....nothing i could bring on a piece of paper..but inside the travell was going on.(and its not the first time, that i have such feelings..i learnd-i just have to wait for the right timing- this is very important. everything will come.)
there was emptyness and in the same time everything was so full...so rich...the world become tasty....so tasty...
no words and so much to say.
everything changed and all is the same...
same same...but different.
i could not look back, i had to life in the moment (traveling in india with a lovely soul on my side) and in the same time all the last 8 month where inside me like a baby in the mothers belly. no separation.....
now i made it to the deep ocean and find myself in south india again...sitting on the seaside and listening to the voice of water, that connect all the continents together.
many times i was dancing with the water in school, but here the whater is dancing with me...not i with the water.the water is moving me! im weaker than water..weaker than the sea!!!
very very strong feelings..my favorite place is the one between water and land..so many rich quallia is there. between earth and water. i can stay hours there in this days...and some feeling came out...the feelig of telling....
WHAT IS WAS:
it was a big journey to an inner beeing - to a life memory...to a dreambody (for me the same like subbody)..it was like huging the world...opening up..getting sensitive...feeling times...changing times...discovering times..finding times..asking times...silent times..crying times...but all in all openig up times. i need this..to open up!
sometimes i was in a war - with me and the world. fighting...fighting..and
the world was fighting with me....but for what i was asking one day...for
what? many times i was so confused and asked what is life? what is beeing?
what is the essenz i have to do in life? do i really have to fight? and
through many experience i realised it..YOU CANNOT STOPP FIGHTING WITH FIGHTING! so give up...there is no need..there is
no more need..change happites and you change life!
WAY OF LIFE:
it's not just a dance - for me it's also a way of life. a way of beeing...of living!
i was too much stressed,had too much attention, that i forgot to feel...i was stucked in my selfe. i knew, that there like to come something out of me..this thirst of expression and this fire inside me, that is burning me sometimes out. how can i control and focus my energie, my fire? many times after such "fire expirience" i found myselfe in the water. i was not thinking about it...it was more like an instinkt....i need water!!!!!! and i dont know why?
after some expirience like this i started to find an connection...but sill, i was fighting with the water. one day, lee said :"kiki, water i weakend body!" in this moment i realized someting - without understanding what i realised. but still i could not understand what lee wanted to say to me "kiki, water is weakend body!" like mantras in my head...knowing and not understanding in the same time....still, i was too strong, still too much ego, still too much proofing, even when i had some moments of feeling deep connection with my subbody and wekend body. but still not...i could not get the point of it!
after a time of beeing very kritik about all i learnd in school...ater a time of big crisis...after a time of beeing ill, i came to a point, where i could not follow the class anymore. asking me: WHAT DO YOU DO HERE?" i could not understand anything...i could not understand my selfe
anymore! 6 month i could follow so good. well, yes, sometime i was not
so easy....but all in all i was very fine. suddenly i had the sensation
i don't fit in anymore. what i'm doing here? there was such an big border
to show myselfe or to to the things, i was used to do the last 6 month.
suddenly i could not anymore..i really could not listen to the things of
subbody...i could not go to school anymore and the body answerd with sikness.
i had the feeling there was nothing to dance, what i have to show...to
nobody. i could not share my subbodys. i did not like, that anybody is
looking at me while im dancing. so i missed some classes and was staying
at home, looking on the himalaya mountain in my bed. doing nothing, showing
nothing...beeing nothing...i was dancing in the night with myselfe, when
nobody could look at me!
until one day a frind gave me an umbrella..he saied "kiki this is for you". since this day i had to dance with this umbrella...it felt so right..so good..and something changed again. the next 2 weeks i was soo deep in my dreambody...and my last preformance just come together without doing really nothing. just everything come togther without expectation...suddenly it was so clear. but still, two days before my final preformance i was thinking to myselfe "your are still too strong".
it came like this, that i twisted my leg very badly the night before my last preformance. i was alone in the dark forest..crying because of pain and rolling down the mountains..knowing i should dance tomorrow...without beeing able to walk..but suddenly some engergie was comming...and the willing to dance...i knew i dance my last preformance...suddenly the cannot changed into..."I HAVE TO...I HAVE TO DANCE..." never before it was so strong this need. and i danced and i think it was a start of something.
but now my question is: "HOW CAN I BRING ALL THE EXPERIENCE IN MY DAILY LIFE?"
yes, this is my question now....how can i bring the dreambody in my daily life? in school it was easy in a way, because i had some fix surroundings...
but how con i integrate my daily life with art.with subbody method....?
and in the end everything is one. i was in a dance school, but i strat to dance with the pencil, to sing, to make musik, to write songs... my phantasie became richer..(its not the some how it was before).if you open up one door...sometimes you open up many more doors in the same time. all i can do is dance...and express myselfe in many ways.
yes i feel good...i feel soft...i feel open...i feel alive...still struggeling somethimes with me and the world...still so much too learn..but i feel more and more what i have to do in life. we are not alone...we have to look for each other....all i can do is searching and searching....never ending way...a life way..the 8 month butoh school, are just a strat of something, that i dont know.
thanks lee, i think we had to meet in this life....your are always in my heard..you where like a father to me....thinks...i all i can say...!!
enjoy the winter in the himalya...may the spirits be with you...
Kiki send me a letter from south India.
I have often visited the place when I was in the crisis, and the ocean
save me many times. The waves of Indian ocean was so tender and lovely.
Kiki now faces an big question; "HOW CAN I BRING ALL THE EXPERIENCE IN MY DAILY LIFE?"
This is is the most important thing after school, but I could not tell
students how to do it.
Now I can tell the simple answer for you like as the following;
Just continue the similar way of life in the school as same as possible
in your daily life.
But now, you can be a midwife for the both of your subody-cobody and for
the others. So, please start planing to give workshops in your place. At
any place we can start it. We need only a small space and a few participants.
That's all we need.
One or two participants are the better in the begining.
And continue to share the swaying meditation, stopping thinking brain,
shifting to listening mode, practice of ash walk, infinite segmentation,
and so on. You have already several experience of teaching, Just develop
it flexiblly.
All of us need resonance with friends to share the subbody cobody process
everyday.
Please invent your own way of resonance at your place.
--- I think this is the best way of life.
Sorry it
has taken me long to write you back my feedback...one of my bags was stolen on
the train in Haridwar and I lost all the important things including my passport
and the journal on which I had started to write my feedback, so now I’m back in
Delhi getting a new passport and I finished writing what I want to share with
you about my life and about my piece, so here it is...
The three months I spent in dharamsala
where filled with magic, excitement and profound personal growth. Although
three months is not merely enough time to discover and resurface the memories
each cell has absorbed in the past 27 years, I still feel satisfied and
rewarded for my efforts into discovering the depths of my mental and physical
being.
Due to my
religious upbringing, music and dance were always discouraged. I don’t ever
remember even attempting to dance, but I’m sure I must have at some point
considering movement is such a natural response to sound.
For the
first 17 years of my life I was oblivious to the joy and completeness I now
experience while dancing. It wasn’t until I moved back to Canada in 1998 that I
got my first taste of what would become my path to self realization.
Since
then, allot has changed. There’s been some great dancing and also some not so
great dancing but it has all given me something to grow and learn from.
Butoh has
now given me the opportunity to embrace what was forgotten but also to fear the
things I want to forget.
I know
that I am blessed and I have many things to be greatful for. I will continue on
this never ending journey full of constant rejections but its the few
accomplishments that give me the strength to continue. After these three months
I no longer care about physical shapes or positions, whether its beautiful or
ugly. as long as we are connected with out true self and with god, there is no
room for judgment or disappointment. I am forever thankful for you, uncle
Lee....: )
About "When we didn't know we were human"
"When we didn’t know we were
human" was dedicated to my mothers and fathers who past down they're life
energy to give me life. It was my attempt to strengthen my connection with the
ones I've lost and have loved most. On October 13th '08 (one day before my
birth date) my grandmother’s spirit left her physically weakened body and 12
years ago, one hour after the end of my birth day, my father also left this
world. Within the next two years after my father’s death seven more males died
in my family including my grandfather. So now my mother has experienced the
loss of both her parents and her life partner. My mother is the most amazing
woman I had the privilage to be born from and everything I do I do for her
because of her.
That day
we vocalized to each other’s paintings I found something in my voice that
helped me connect. that helped me grieve. Death or the fear of death is the
only thing that can bring tears to my eyes. Discovering this depth in my voice
allowed me to connect with the darkness of my past, with the sadness and sorrow
that only we experience, because we are human.
Inspiration;
The song
"sawdust and diamonds" by Joanna Newsom gave me a lot of inspiration,
images and emotion which resonated between life and death.
"From
the top of the flight
of white
wide stairs
Through
the rest of my life
Do you
wait for me there"
"There’s
a light in the wings
Hits this
system of strings
From the
side while they swing
See the
wires, the wires, the wires"
"I
wanted to say: why the long face?
Sparrow,
perch and play songs a long face
Burro,
buck and bray songs a long face!
Sing: I
will swallow your sadness and eat your cold clay
Just to
lift your long face
And
though it may be madness, I will take to the grave
Your
precious long face
And
though our bones they may brake, and our souls separate
-Why the
long face?
And
though our bodies recoil from the grip of the soil
-Why the
long face?"
Joanna
also plays the harp which is a string instrument which connected to my
connection with spiders;
"It
is said that we(spiders) descended from the sky on a silk thread from
tiny rain
drops, carried by the wind to an adherable surface".
-most
spiders have 3 sets of spinnerettes located on their abdomen from which the
silk is produced.
-When we
were a fetus we were also connected to our mother from the cord on our abdomen.
Salvador Dali's
painting "the metamorphosis of Narcisus" gave me the inspiration to
create a body of
water
from which to reflect my sadness and to swallow my ego.
Thank you
for everything and I hope to study with you again in the near future.
Before Gessuri started his performance, he
asked me to guide conditioning of voice.I did it for over an hour to open one’s body sound which was released from
human voice habit. People who were audience also joined it
together each person seemed to open one’s body sound, everybody invented one’s
animal voice.When Gessuri started his animal movement, everybody resonated with one’s
own body sound. A co-created resonance world has come out at Himalayan
mountain.
Gessuri wrote about his lost voice
experience and the recovery process. Also I had the same experience to lose
voice for long years. I could sing at all for thirty years, only a few years
before when I traveled in South Indian Jungle, suddenly my voice has come back.
It was also an animal voice from the bottom of body.
Lost voice experience has a deep connection with the symptom of not to be able to communicate with others properly. I can resonate the hardship of deep edge between Guatemala and Canada,
it is the same between Asia and modern western world. To recover the real voice is to invent a
novel communication way to the world.It is not so easy, still now I have to
investigate to open the real voice channel except of human voice and released
from the tradition of normal music theory.
After receiving the letter, I dreamt a
dream which I was serching my voice with treating some strange materials, as if
putting together a jigsaw puzzle, but it was so difficult. Icouldn't succeed. I
was at a loss. Then after a while, I rode on a taxi, the taxi driver started
singing with his partner who sat on an assitant driver's seat,she seemed his
secret lover. It was so joyfull, so strange, but very unique resonance voice.
Our subbodies are resonating cobody. This dream told us that even after we
separated, cobody is resonating together always.
Gessuri, Continue the travel in the
darkness of body. It must guide you to the novel invention of your own
movement, way of being, and resonance way with the world beyond every border.
Words cannot describe my perceptive
process. The ego's impulses suppress our relationship with the world. Slave's
within ourselves the body develops from certain tension's. The encounter with the body has been in my case a constant struggle and
at the same time an immense pleasure.Navigating through the dark ocean
that is our consciousness and descending from a profound being. There is
a state of struggle that appears to be accentuated during sleep. A
bitter sweet knowledge who's consequences I cannot calculate at this moment. In
the last six months I have felt fortunate to have learned a method that has
given me the tools to enter the darkness of body. I convinced I will follow
this infinite path, to where ever it may lead.
Recardo seemed to be a monk practicing asceticism for these six months.His
proto dream was that he was shivering on the high roof. Someone forced him to
jump, he hesitated for long time and at last he jumped down desperately.
The dream was so similar with my proto dream. I was awared of that our
naked lives are just shivering beyond the difference of nation, culture,
age, sex, and so on. His half years process was like as this dream.He had met so many hard edges; ego, group, healthy body, dynamics of dance,
and so on. All of them are necessary process to overcome daily body as
a human and get weakened body. Whenever he met a edge, he left from practice
hall, and he meditated by alone. I continued to watch him without talking,
but deep resonance. Because it is more important to overcome edges by oneself
than to solve them by others advice, though the process must be hard for
him.He learned contact improvisation, contemporary dance, and circus, until the last month his movements were still so large and rough. He noticed it, and continued meditation. At
the last performance he surprised me by transforming suddenly to weakened body
movements. I know the hardship to reduce dance which we learned. It took long
time also for me it needed over ten years.I was so moved to watch his whole overcoming process, after reducing all
large possesions; ego, healthy body, thought, judgment, preconceived ideas,
there appeared his life itself which is shivering between life and death.
I hugged him strongly without word.
Ricardo,
you got whole process to travel in the darkness of body. Continue it for ever.
And someday come back to Himalaya, to be a facilitator to support others
process. Next step is to be midwife for others. Though it is much more harder
process to throw out egos than to be subbody by yourself, I believe that you
can do it.
3 Junuary, 2009
A Happy New Year!
I introduce you the most basic entrance into subbody world.
Especially for new persons who are going to ehter the school, please try everyday, and prepare to calm down your daily body and mind until you come Himalaya.
Find a quiet comfortable place.
Sit down with leg relaxed position.
Breathe in through nose or mouth, try both way.
When you inhale, imagine that some one pull up your head and spine by a
string to the sky. Your spine will be stretched to the sky comfortablly.
Breathe out through nose or mouth.
When you exhale, imagine that your head and spine are keep hanging from
the sky, and the other all cells are drop down into the center of the earth.
Listen in the changing of the body feeling in each part of body.
You will feel deep relaxation.
Repeat this losing breathing meditation several times until your body and mind calm down and feel deep relaxation.
2. Clock swaying
Imagine that you are sitting on the ship.
You ship start swaying to the front and back direction, then your body is moved by the sway.
Try to be moved by the various part of body; pelvis, stomach. chest, and
head.
Imagine that you are sitting at the center of big horizontal clock.
Now you are swaying 12-6 o'clock direction.
When you notice the shift, the direction of swaying has changed to 1-7 o'clock direction.
Rereat two or three times at the same drection, and shift next direction with following the number of the clock, 2-8, 3-9, 4-10, 5-11, 6-12, 1-7, 2-8, 3-9, 4-10, 5-11, and 6-12 o'clock.
Try to change the initial part of body which is moved, pelvis, stomach,
chest, and head, until the comfortable stream of body feelings fulfill
your whole body.
3. Random swaying
When you feel tired to count clock number, shift to random sway.
Not only horizontal sway, but also vertical sway, and enjoy the passive feeling to be swaying.
If you feel pain or stiffness at some part of your body, send air and stretch the part.
Continue it until the comfortable feelings disappear, and the comfortable
body feelings start streaming in your body.
4. Subtle swaying
When you feel the comfort in the whole body, suddenly slow down and size
down into the minimum speed and size.
You will catch much more subtle body feeling at the each cell of your body, and they are streaming with changing among various taste.
Taste it deeply and follow it flexibly.
You may surprise what various body feeling are hidden in the darkness of body!
Just enjoy the diversity and richness of the hidden body feelings.
5. Segmenting and amplifying
If you feel that some part of your body has a tendency to move, just follow
the body and move freely with tasting the subtle various feeling and movement;
swaying, shaking, waving, shocking, being moved, being touched, becoming
stiff or flexible.
Sometime you segment the feelings, and sometime you amplify to the maximum
movement. Try both flexiblly.
Enjoy the spontaneous movement and ride on it by the whole body and mind without thinking and judging.
When you become enjoy it,
Congratulation! It's your subbody.
Continue the swaying meditation everyday as long as possible.
Until you fall in love subbody.