Dear Lee,

it’s not easy to compress four intensive, difficult and powerful months into one word document, in such short time, but I try.

All the fears and doubts I had about coming here, and others, came true. Our thoughts are indeed very powerful. And yes also my wishes and hopes came true.

I felt strongly I did not want to come, that it was not my wish or will, but I had to. And had more and more to accept it. I am still accepting that I should come back for more...

I have been enjoying self research and self development, through reflections and creative expressions, for many years, and yet it it is like a surprise that I keep finding these teachers...

I came to dance, I came to find routine for myself and my work. I came to isolate a bit in order to better know my own voice. I came for nature. I came to get strong.  I came to focus. I came to know more about Butoh, and people doing it.

I wanted to leave an old self, or selfimage, behind. To remember and integrate a more true or whole one.

And I always believed in being weak is being strong. And yet it was so hard! And so painful, and so stressful and so pressing.

I went through a thousand emotions or states of being most of the days, and usually a big relase at the end of the day. Like dying and being reborn over and over.

And creating so much every day, wow, I love it!

It was sometimes too much for me to digest, then the relase didn’t come until saturday.

And still I felt I was never doing enough, never being good enough, never finding what I was supposed to find, never deep enough and so on. This culminated, with the feeling that everything I did, felt thought, wanted and so on was wrong. And that everyone else was being so at ease and so perfect. It was as if the more I got into my body, my subconscious, my soul.. in the same time also got more into my mind.

This is of course and old, and natural, pattern, and it ended (again) in eternal war. But for every war, the peace is bigger.

So I learned and I learned. To sleep more, rest more, relax, trust...and just keep dancing. I knew every exercise is perfect for me, that I get exactly what I need, that everyone and everything is my teacher. Every comment I look behind, every emotion. The more resistance I feel for something, the better the lesson I will get. Still, it is a struggle we must go through. Knowing is not enough.

I can see how issues I have been working on a long time, fears and addicitons, attachments, beliefs that I have slowly transformed or left, in these four months came to a real turning point. To ask my life and my subbody has been very simple and helpful tools for me.

In the same time I have deepened some of my personal spiritual practice, which is also maybe a never ending journey of more and more peace, which of course also have helped me.

I look forward to deepen my dance next semester. Thank you for now!

 (now) ICCUUCCI now

About having been blind and remembering how to see. About not fearing the unknown but being in control. About letting go of trust and love to find a bigger one. To travel through darkness willingly, breaking silence, re-encountering madness and reaching out without attachment. Falling through a labyrinth of mirrors, seeing oneselves in everyone and everything. Drowning in an abyss of fear and addicitions and confusion, to die there. Dragging the pain into the light to release it. Letting others see, and thereby seeing it myself. How you see is what will be seen. We are each others mirrors and what we neglect in our selves we will see in others. ICU, I see you, now. Where you is oneself, others, the past, the truth, whatever...

Like a manifested wish, to make it come true. Which mysteries do I need to unfold to make these eyes see clearly again?

I did not know what it was or why, I surprised myself. But afterwards I believe the essence was to become all the things I fear to be, everything I do not wish to be, or be seen as, everything I normally not are, hidden ridiculities and self indulgence, ego deflations and death wishes, difficulties, madness, awkwardness, anger, selfpity, jealousy, disconnection, overcare... because the fear of hurting someone, and under that lies the fear of course of not being loved...

It was an experiment to see what happened... One of my biggest fear is even self exposure, to show myself, or rather to give fully of myself, fearing to be too much, fearing to take space that others should have... even though I’ve done it so many times with joy and ease... Another one is to make decisions, clear plans and especially tell others what to do, to be in charge, responsible. And to let people down, anyone, especially the ones bigger than me, like teachers, but also I see everyone as bigger. Fear of not being understood, fear of making people confused and so on.

And fearing that I do not know what I want, or what is good to do. So this was a really good challenge. because I see how all these fears are what blocks oneself from doing the opposite. And that we will face them again and again until they become smaller and smaller and we become more free. When I trust the higher will, when I trust the unconscious, and subconscious, when I trust others, then I can also trust ”myself”, my conscious acting self.

And even though my cobodies and audience enjoyed the piece, they still felt confused and lost, so also these fears came true.

And in the three times I did the piece, every time I danced more being these things fearful personalities more and more, as opposed being scared myself.

So I used the fear, the reversing of all the love, trust, divinity and gratitude I firstly see and feel before anything else. But for me the result was a big letting go, a big peace, and a deepening of that love.

So the essence of the mirror (now) ICCUUCCI now is to become everything you try not be, everything you fear to be, everything you think you are not, all rottenness you see in others, to be a constantly moving mirror of internal and external fears, in full spotlight in a chaotic room in deep silence. That was really scary.

...When you can see that then you are more free to see, and be, the opposite...