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When I think of the last four months I feel much happiness. I had a wonderful time in the subbodyschool. The state of mind, the feelings I hoped to have after four months subbodyschool are all there and are even better than I could have imagined. The group of people I met at the subbodyschool, my fiends and cobody’s are wonderful. I feel so connected, secure and so much love. All the feelings that I had when I left Holland are here also. Before I really knew the school I had sometimes thoughts about the scary things that maybe could come out of the darkness of my body and that it would color my happy feelings I had now. In the beginning I didn’t feel really save, this takes a while for me and I think also because of that I felt my ego very strong. But because of the environment of the school, not talking, your presence, I could stay alert and it was a very healing time. I could research myself and I read in my book in which I sometimes wrote that all the ingredients were here. All ingredients to overcome some imprints I still had that bothered me sometimes. And it took at least three months for me to break free, to peel of my skin and feel free to dance some of my subbody’s I knew were hidden in my darkness of body. It was on the 4^th of June I read in my notebook on Friday the day we always performed. I didn’t knew what would come, I only felt the qualia of a wallflower which was my beginning and I knew I wanted to end with the qualia of happiness. As I started it unfolded to me and my subbody’s started to dance. For the first time I felt what it was to let my subconscious speak through my body. From that day a lot changed for me. Now I felt I was able to dance my whole self or at least a part of it. Maybe it came that day because that week you guided us to our abyss. On a conscious level I thought that maybe I didn’t had one. A part of me was talking who is convinced that I don’t have deep feelings (an imprint that bothered me). But after that Friday I felt so released on an subconscious level it all unfolded and now I feel so whole. Now I am able to dance  my self, my subbody’s whom I already have met during different times of my life. From that day on a lot changed for me. For the festival I only wanted to dance my subbody’s, the life I am. The week before that happened I choreographed a cobody piece with music for 30 minutes. But I think now that it didn’t come from a subconscious level and therefore I didn’t want to go on with it. It was difficult for me to make the decision to do a piece for one hour with only one cobody part with Kats and only the feet of my friends as background on the festival. When I got the question from one of my friends why I couldn’t make a cobody part and that it is a good experience I could only say that I am very happy now to perform. I found a new passion, the joy of performing. And when I have to make a cobody piece I felt it would not yet come from a subconscious level. I am not yet ready for that I felt. Now after two weeks of Festival the feelings for a cobody piece are coming. So maybe next festival in December I am ready for that. Now that I feel a skin has fallen off I feel I just started and I want to do the last four months all over again and do again all the exercises you guided us through. You are such a good midwife, I am very grateful I have met you and that I can be in this school. For me this is the school of my dreams, or even better. In my dreams I couldn’t imagine such a beautiful and fine place to study the darkness of body. You are a great creator and wise men. The space you create, your silence and at the same time your presence and the stimulation you give through your method for travelling into the body are for me the right mix. I also want to thank you for everything you shared about Hijikata. The exploration through his solo piece Quiet House gave me the techniques for creating my own unique piece. I am also very grateful that I can dance in the cobody pieces of my friends. When you first told us after four weeks that during the festival we guide a workshop during the festival I felt worried. I cannot do this. But by giving us every week the opportunity to give a conditioning to the group I could slowely grow into it. I left some tears after my abyss conditioning I gave to the group as you know as preparation for the festival and the workshop I wanted to give. But eventually I am very happy with the workshop I guided on the festival and I think the tears were part of my abyss, which has to do with fear. For me the ending of this season with the festival was perfect. Without the festival I wouldn’t have met my passion I think and I wouldn’t be able to dance my subbody’s. It is because of the festival, the opportunity to speak and work so closely with my friends and you while organizing that this could happen for me. So thank you for that. And I am very grateful that I can be part of the dancepieces of my friends during the festival and that I can resonate with them and parts of me which I wouln’t have discovered without them. So thank you all and I am looking forward for the next three month’s in September and the festival in December!

My dancepiece Afflictions:

Imprisoned by ancestor’s spacious womb

A revealation of the skin

Memories of the past

A girl in between

Fear is a big stimulator in my life. Doing things which I fear the most. When I was a young child I remember a dream or a knowing that I have to conquer my fear. That I have to explore everything. And what I maybe feared the most was people. And therefore I explored so many, had so many intimate relationships. I am so grateful for that, so grateful for all the experiences I had and the love I am now able to give and receive thanks to that. Afflictions is about me, about you. About the past about now. My ancestors and future life. It is everything as one.